Wednesday, February 17, 2010

That's not my daughter

I'm usually impressed when I hear the ideas and thoughts that come out of Bella's mouth. But nothing prepared me for this.

When I take the girls to the gym I have a system in place. I make sure Mia's diaper is totally fresh before we go in and drop her off in the "safari playground." I then take Bella with me to the locker room so that she can go to the bathroom before I begin my workout. There is nothing more annoying than having to stop in the middle of exercising for a potty break. Which is why I take these extra steps, so that the majority of the time it's an uninterrupted session. After getting everything situated with my locker I took Bella into the bathroom. She likes to talk while she pees. All the time. So it came as no surprise when she started gabbing, "mommy, you know what I like to do at home?" "No, Bella, what do you like to do at home" I responded. "I like to open my vagina when I'm at home." I was stunned. My face showed it. She misread my reaction and assumed I couldn't hear her. "No really, when I'm at home I like to open up my vagina A LOT." The muffled sound of women's conversation beyond the bathroom stall came to a halt. It was silent. Embarassingly silent. As quietly as I could I whispered, "we can talk about this when we get home Bella." She did not approve of my response and LOUDLY retorted "but mmmmooommm, I really like to open up my vvvaaaaaggina!" I stood there praying that she had to go #2 which could at least buy us some time until everyone was gone, but of course not, not with my luck. Avoiding eye contact, we left the stall and began to wash our hands. And of course she chose this time as the time to sing the hand washing song she learned in school and that lasts OVER A MINUTE to ensure proper cleanliness. Do you know how long a minute can be when you're completely mortified and stuck staring at the back of your child's head while they OBSESSIVELY wash their hands after announcing to the world that they diddle at home?


And then she had to get the paper towels down herself. Except she dropped some in the garbage so she had to get some more. Hurry, for the love of God Bella, hurry. And then she had to make sure her hands were REALLY dry because just hours before, her assuming mother informed her that her red and itchy hands were because she didn't wipe properly. And once again, still mortified, I stood there staring at the back of her head.

We ran out of the bathroom as fast as we could--without even looking back.

I'm sure our pre-bed talk time will be quite a hoot tonight. Vagina monologues, anyone?!


  1. Dang. I mean... just... Dang.

    I don't suppose Little Golden Books has an "Everybody Diddles" title? Can only imagine myself in that situation, and it ain't pretty. You know I'd make eye contact with the first disapproving suburban buttinski and say, "What, like you don't?"

    Then get kicked out of the gym.

  2. I swear to God, I almost choked when I read this!! How did you manage to keep from laughing??
    Wow, um, no words that can help with that situation!!

  3. OH MY GOD. That's so, so, so, so funny. I LOVE it!!

  4. Well, you can't begrudge her that hand-washing time if she's opening her vagina in the bathroom! At least she's clean about it.

    hahahahhahaa. I am dying.

  5. the only thing that would have made this story better is if Kim Roe had been in the stall next to bella.

    so last night this is the conversation in our kitchen. Max (9) says, "Mom, Leo says I'm too young to have hair on my balls." Leo (8): "Yea, because you have no wisdom. With wisdom comes the hair on your balls."

  6. Zoe, are you effin kidding me? I would have peed my pants right there. I don't think I could handle a hairy balls conversation. I'm dying to know your response. YOU NEED TO START A BLOG. ENOUGH ALREADY!

  7. Don't know Zoe, but that is hilarious. Especially if your boys are like my boys, their dad taught them that. And now it is fact.

    Gina, hilarious. I had to have this talk with the boys, already. Hunter is obsessed with his "weiner," and will talk about it, and show it anyone who will listen. You recall he noticed the "Nippl-ez" in the photo on the wall at Bradley. I simply told the boys that all talk about the body parts and functions must tale place in the bathroom. For the most part, it works.



Related Posts with Thumbnails